I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
