the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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