Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
