Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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