Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Randomize
