chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
