Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
