The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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