the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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