last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
