Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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