So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize