How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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