I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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