You can't motorboat a personality
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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