I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
