Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
