Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
