The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
