Pappa wants mamma naked
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
