i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
