and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
