i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
