Can i not drive my cunt home
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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