in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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