At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
