I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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