I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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