Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
