Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
