there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
