my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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