and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
