think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
