i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Randomize
