how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
