Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
