Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
