my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
