There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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