Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
