Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
