update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I know her cup size but not her name....
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
