i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
