So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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