How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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