I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
