After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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