We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
