Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
