I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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