I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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