As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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