I cannot find my penis.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
