No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
