His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
