you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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