I need to stop coming to work sober
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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