I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
