But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
