after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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