I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
