3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
