I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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