Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
