he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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