Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
