If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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