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Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
