dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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